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You and I :icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 0 0
Literature
A soul Dying in a Crippled Husk
White stained permanently red
Once robust, now decrepit and hallowed
Once full of Energy, now devoid of life
Once a brilliant mind, now ravaged and dark
A heart full of such love as to rescue and mend any lost soul
Reduced to a cold husk of a once glorious soul
Once giving all hope for life, now a shadow of hopelessness
I used to give such light, love, hope…
Now I drown in this crippled husk
A life of pain, dashed dreams, and tears
Empty of friends love and support
Empty of the help desperately needed
I know they all see me suffer and can do nothing
I know how hard that may be
But in Their times of need
Who was there?
I picked them up
Dusted them off
Gave them hope
Is it too much to ask for someone to return the favor?
I am an empty sallow shell of the vibrant woman I used to be
Stuck in a never-ending cycle of suffering and inconceivable pain
Is it too much to ask for help?
For some way to feel like the person my soul aches to be again?
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 0 0
Literature
Petting the Kitty with Friends
~Can you know who you are without friends? Without someone who understands you even in the least bit? In my opinion, No. You are who you are due to the influences and intellegence of those who know you. You know who you are in relation to who others are and what they mean to you. Your "self" is how you believe others percieve you.
~The dark, dank sludge tries to pull you down. Only on this journey towards ultimate darkness do we understand what light truly is. Friendship, Love, Knowledge, Experience. Four elements that make up true light.
~Lose yourself yet refuse to embrace the darkness. Throw yourself into such light your friends provide.
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 0 0
Mature content
Pushed Back Down :icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 0 0
Mature content
Liberation :icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 0 0
Literature
My Love Letter
My Dark Prince,
You are the light in my world of darkness.
When all seems lost, you find me.
You are the strength which sustains me.
When I am weak, you hold me together.
You are my best friend.
When I talk, you never judge me.
You are my lover.
A God, I shall say.
You are the love of all my lives.
No matter the ages that pass.
You are my life.
You are my soul.
I need you.
I want you.
I love you.
Now and Forever Yours,
                                 Amanda
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 0 0
Literature
Why can't I be me?
Wishing is just hope without action.
Why can't wishing be enough?
Freezing but its more than just my body.
Shaking, yet never visibly.
Pain for no reason.
Thoughts too garbled for no real reason.
I guess that's just it.
My punishment for trying to be good.
Why do things the right way
When it hurts more than anything I have done?
It was fine, til I got caught
Then the pain began.
Trying to be good
Hurts more than it ever did when I was bad.
So why am I doing what's easy and good
Not what is maybe what I need to do...
Get out on my own.
Live my life for once.
Wishing and hoping I can get an answer...
Trapped.. that is how I feel.
Between what I am and what everyone else wants me to be.
What can I do? I can't help who I am
Yet they push me so much to make me that other person.
Why?
Why can't I just be who and what I am?
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 3 6
Literature
Just a little help
Why can't anyone help me?
I sit here shattered trying against everthing to put myself back together
But does anyone hold out a helping hand?
Does anyone even bother to look at my pain?
Why can't anyone help me?
Trying to get what I need back and meeting every roadblock alone
Why wont anyone help me get what I need?
Why can't anyone help me?
I am trying to find the light and need help
Can't  anyone help me find and hold onto it?
Just want to know one thing:
Why  can't  anyone  help  me?
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 2 0
Literature
I Gave You Everything
Nothing you say will save me now
You made your choice
Now I suffer living with it
I gave you everything
You made your choice
You maimed my heart for fun
I gave you everything
It was never enough
You maimed my heart for fun
Watching with glee as I bleed
It was never enough
I was never enough
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 3 0
Literature
My Love Sonnet
My Love Sonnet
Shall I compare your love to the light's end
Where all things fall deeply into shadow
Lost forever even though for it we send
The time where happiness turns to sorrow
The fun had basking in the bright sun
Gone now, replaced by my tears of regret
Lovely at once then again full of glum
This love I never wanted to forget
Like a dagger you tore my fragile heart
Taking pleasure in fouling such beauty
Killing me this way making it art
Coloring the face of love so ugly
Our love so pure and beautiful we thought
Now I suffer with these wounds it begot
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 2 0
Literature
My Inner Conflict
I want to feel
Yet I wish to be numb
I want to be loved
Yet I want to be alone
To suffer a fate
I believe I deserve
Even though you know better
I see hope
I am afraid of grasping it
This lifeline you've become
Time
Love
Patience
Compassion
Will help me
Come around
And Realize
I am worth it all
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 1 8
Literature
Let Me Heal
Why is it that everytime I see you
It feels as if someone is ripping out my heart again...?
Leave me alone.
Just disappear.
You hurt me more than anyone ever has.
Can't you be happy with only doing it once?
Must you continue to twist the bladed claw in my chest?
Thank you.
For the pain.
For making me feel smaller than I thought possible.
Thank you for destroying me time and time again...
I hope you are happy.
I hope you get the sick pleasure you're looking for in my shattered soul.
I hope that you can live with your decisions.
Just leave me alone.
Let me heal.
You owe me at least that....
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 1 1
Literature
Unworthy
I feel as if I am unworthy of anything because of the things I have gone through and have put you through. I don't know how to explain it but I feel as if all that has befallen me, is somehow my fault... that you should blame me and forgive me not.
Both have been through all Hells. Yet, we have survived. Though differently, we have both suffered.
You deserve more than a broken soul. Your's still has light. Shadow enveloped mine long ago.
I just feel like I have wronged you somehow… I feel as if you should forget me…
I cannot explain it though. For that I am sorry. Truly.
I am unworthy of your friendship. Unworthy of anything you may offer. I am the one who is broken. You deserve someone who is whole.
I am Unworthy.
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 0 0
Literature
R.A.H.W.
Restless
Anxious
Helpless
Worthless
All these things I feel
Things that eat at my soul
I know I am supposed to help you
But I don't know how
What am I supposed to do?
How can I save you?
Restless is my soul
I want to do something to help
Anxious- my body vibrates
My heart races in anticipation of my failure
Helpless is what I feel
I can't think of how to save you
Worthless is what I believe
My heart is
I cannot help you
I am not worth your love
I'm sorry that I am:
Restless
Anxious
Helpless
Worthless
You deserve better
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 0 2
Literature
c
So many times I tried
To reach out to you
But you avoided me
As if I were a plague
Too many times
I've loved you
When you never
Cared for me
Make up my mind
Make up my heart
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 0 0
Literature
Friends and Analog
Friends who trip together end up bonding in ways blood, or any other tie, cannot reach.
Minds and souls meld and seperate.
Thoughts and feelings swirl and mix.
After a trip, friends find that they have a deeper understanding of each other and their inner workings.
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn
:icondisturbedrenn:disturbedrenn 0 0

Favourites

Literature
Caught
in the helium of a night
where constellations ignite
the blood-spattered atrium
of a late summer's sky,
I find myself a comet
shooting the urban grid
in an urgency as I race
a suicidal rim on two wheels
in the blackness between the fires,
my red-shifted thoughts crossing
light years out-of-body
and outliving me
till the awareness of you
slingshots me at Mach speed
to await your arrival
long before it happens,
caught at the last light
so close to my destination,
inhaling the danger of you,
where to idle the demon
begs disaster, even if the
interlude proves a watershed –
by Neptune's light, I will
wish to death I had run the red
:iconJade-Pandora:Jade-Pandora
:iconjade-pandora:Jade-Pandora 164 107
Literature
A simple question...
Why?
Why can't I be like them?
What makes them any different than me?
Will anyone ever truly trust me?
Will they ever love me like they do the others?
What can I do to make myself better?
What qualities do I need?
What is it that I'm doing so wrong?
Why won't they let me in?
...
Please just let me in.
:iconAmazingRandomGirl96:AmazingRandomGirl96
:iconamazingrandomgirl96:AmazingRandomGirl96 4 0
Literature
lunar priestess
she who stands with shadows
who falls for lost ones
i apologize he isn't the same man you wanted.
i wish he didn't have to go
he was quite a nice guy even i know
but you'll be happy and find that moon he spoke of so often.
:iconbiochase:biochase
:iconbiochase:biochase 1 5
Literature
collection
dread of sorrow passes upon tomorrow when flowers bloom and shallow graves consume. the living are inches away today from what death brought yesterday. shadow woman stand and hide cast my body away from the light and into where you reside. give me strength i never knew and i'll tell you truth hidin from you.
don't wake me up even if the sun is shining and the moon is falling. i'd rather sleep in this bed beside you and kiss you till the night. when your eyes would light my darkness.
i want to press my luck. i want to get into trouble. i want to burn the world down just to smell the smoke. i want to kiss you just to watch you cry as i walk away. i want to tear my skin just to see if i'm just like you underneath.
your wrong to think i care, since you've been gone the whole world moves along, sitting here tired and sick, body is torture by my sentence, your wrong to think i care, cause i stare at walls and air.
i've been confronted and my morals questioned. i have disobeyed the gods and b
:iconbiochase:biochase
:iconbiochase:biochase 2 1
Literature
grown of time
like lovers embrace the way we live
strong and caring with passion
shoulders pressed firm this body solid
waiting for the touch anticipation
building like the wind
tornado mind set forced
lovers embrace pressured just timid
we lay upon sheets drink of this wine
till we have our fill
wine of pleasure and resture
:iconbiochase:biochase
:iconbiochase:biochase 2 1
Literature
insomiac's shattered words
i have nothing but memories and dreams
i hold in my palm the truth that none wish to hear
i covet knowledge when i am surrounded by ignorance
i loath forgetting for my mind kept it locked away
i share nothing but pain brought by you
i wrap my dignity round your finger like that ring
i promised and you broke it for me
i sit empty for my reason is gone
i am awake when the world sleeps
i was i am
:iconbiochase:biochase
:iconbiochase:biochase 2 2
Literature
signs of deep scars
feels like everything is a little sign
telling me, giving me some hidden message
it seems to come so clearly
when i've not slept for days
i wonder if its just my mind playing games
or if its signs from fates
if thats the case then
they hate me cause i can't keep this going
can't keep thinking about you.
:iconbiochase:biochase
:iconbiochase:biochase 2 3
Literature
forever and always?
touch your lips and whisper sweet meloncholy verse
fingertips trace your jaw line shocking little motion
follow the veins in your neck till my fingers rest in the crest of your shoulder.
my lips warm and tense etch up your ear as i whisper
finger nail scratches light against your collarbone
what is that i hear did your breath just catch
or did my heart start back up
i would spend days like this with you
just to tease you and let your mind wonder
what do you wish for more
i don't know what happen forever came sooner then i thought.
:iconbiochase:biochase
:iconbiochase:biochase 3 1
Literature
fake
i wish you were real
real in everyone's eyes
but to me its fake
like that smile you put on
pretending to be happy
color your hair
put lipstick on
makeup and all
do the whole nine yards
change your clothes
till there's nothing left
and you'll still be faking it
cause the you that i remember
didn't need all that
the beauty was all to visable
on its own.
so hide behind it all
if you want
i have a mask you can use
to make it all more obvious
or could it be
the you i knew
was the fake
:iconbiochase:biochase
:iconbiochase:biochase 4 6
Literature
drawing
i'm sketching out my life
and your shadow remains in the background
your blackened out figure stands at the side
along with the rest of the dark ones
there's white ones too
figures that are just outlines
their shadows look the same
like polar opposites you stand next to one.
then i notice they are both you just one black and one white.
your stretching out your hand
wanting something idk what
i stop my pencil and the image goes silent
like a still frame in a movie
your stuck in that place
i'll close my notebook and keep it there
open it time to time just to see you still frozen
:iconbiochase:biochase
:iconbiochase:biochase 2 1
Literature
My life, My world
Throughout my life i have been just a wanderer
Not going anywhere but to a pit of darkness
Trying to find myself in this world
Trying to find my place on this boring rock
Dont know how to lead my life
Except to find everlasting darkness
:iconRizzeh:Rizzeh
:iconrizzeh:Rizzeh 1 0
Literature
Waiting on My Dreams
I keep dreaming of the night you'll hold me close and
      never have to let me go,
The night you'll kiss me and
      never have to stop in fear of the coming morning,
The time where I'll never
      have to say good bye but only I'll see you soon,
The morning that will stretch on
      until we fall asleep in each other's arms for the seventh night that week,
I dream of the time I'll never
      have to worry if you'll be coming home to me because
           you will have given me your heart in my hand.
When you're not here my body craves
     your touch,
          your kiss,
               your scent,
     
:iconTranquilSuicide:TranquilSuicide
:icontranquilsuicide:TranquilSuicide 2 3
Literature
Nightfall
                                Do you fear the night?
Do you fear the darkness that comes?
        Every night?
                                                              As the sun lowers?
                                                &
:iconroboj8:roboj8
:iconroboj8:roboj8 1 1
Literature
Looking to the Depths
As I stare into her eyes, she questions me, "What's wrong?"  I answer with a smirk and whisper, "Nothing."  She asks me again rather quickly, "What?!"  Again, I smile and whisper the word, "Nothing."  She then questions me again, asking me why I'm staring into her eyes like that.
"I'm looking for something in there, in the backs of your eyes.  I'm looking for a little piece of you that I can understand.  I'm looking to see the thoughts and pondering's you have behind those beautiful eyes.  I'm watching all our memories play as on a movie reel.  I'm staring, hoping your looking back and maybe seeing the same, wishing you knew what was going through my mind like I'm wishing I knew what was in yours.  When I look into your eyes like this, I only want to catch a glimpse of all that, of who you are.
But I hope I never do because I never want a reason to stop looking into your eyes."
:iconRWolset:RWolset
:iconrwolset:RWolset 4 6
Literature
Frozen Heart
I would say to another that I have an passion for beauty
My favorite is God's greatest creation and it is very good
Of course my story has many but really just one
A wait the day I can see her as I should
My eyes browse my new surrounding yet again
Beauty dances even in the air
My ever watching eyes never settle for less
What would they be to me if they didn't care
My heart was easily torn but equally hardened
It is open for business but not much is for sell
The Great Outdoors entered before conflict and pays rent
My heart is open, at the punished core there is too much to tell  
My restless mind is bound by nothing
Its idle creates trouble, it is never bored
It wonders where to begin now in my new home
My mind, that which I don't understand, is my favorite sword
I argue that my heart was the first to witness her
My eyes then my mind, both filling with jealousy  
God lacked not a single great detail
That began my quest to hear and understand her melody
By summer's e
:iconManofgod52:Manofgod52
:iconmanofgod52:Manofgod52 1 0
Literature
This is the Song
This is the song of those who know.
This is the song for those who glow.
This is the song for those who shine.
This is the song for those who are mine.
This is the song for those who get it,
For those who deny it but never forget it.
This is the song for lamented late-nighters
This is the song for the fire lighters
This is the song for those who burn.
This is the song for those who yearn.
This is the song for those who dance,
And for those who prefer to sleep without pants.
This is the song for the people who meet,
Alone and haunted on a dirty street.
This is the song for things not yet done.
This is the song for songs not sung.
This is the song for shades of red,
That light up you face and light up your bed.
This is the song for shades of blue
That encompass me as I do you.
This is the song for understanding.
This is the song for silent demanding.
This is the song for speckled eyes.
This is the song when the fire dies.
This is the song that brought all together
And this is the song th
:iconWeirdgrrl:Weirdgrrl
:iconweirdgrrl:Weirdgrrl 2 6

Wishlist

.::resubmit...a drem::. :iconlarenn:larenn 1,224 155

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deviantID

disturbedrenn
Amanda
United States
Current Residence: Federal Way
Favourite genre of music: Rock/Alternative, Native American Flute
Favourite photographer: Tom
Favourite style of art: Anime
Favourite cartoon character: Inuyasha, Vash, Ed (FullMetal)
Personal Quote: Just Live... for you know not when you wont have the luxury.. or curse
Interests
have you ever gone back and read something you wrote 8 years before that you havent looked at in almost as long?
i did that tonight. it gave me goosebumps. then i got curious and decided to look up what songs i might have been listening to when i wrote my first poem on here in 2005. to be honest, i still listen to most of it on a regular basis. but some songs, i havent heard in almost as long as i havent read my stuff. Tthen you have the utter sadness at all the firends you no longer talk to, or havent talked to in years. it makes your heart ache. it feels awful when you wonder if anyone will even remember you. sigh.. sadness mixed with boredom.
hopefully, if u r lucky, you can see the ways in which you have grown and in which you havent. i mean that in all ways. especially emotionally, and within your work.
things are a little better since i last wrote.
Jarett and I are doing great. yay! there was a moment where i erally didnt think we'd make it. he got black-out drunk and we got into a fight that ended up with me decking him. he hit me too. but he doesnt remember any of it at all. he doesnt even remember leaving the party. we laugh about it now. like the fact that i hit harder than my mom's boyfriend who supposedly is such a great fighter. lol. and i learned that rings hurt when u get hit with them. its just a funny story now. neither of us are violent. we scream when worked up but he has learned not to mix his alcohols and that taquilla is a deffinite no.
I am living in an apartment with him and our friend, so i am no longer in my mom's place.
my pain is a little easier to deal with. though not by much.

I am trying to get back into school but cant seem to find the time for someone to help me with the paperwork. I also have to find a way to get all of my work back. my computer wont turn on and i have a ton of work on there that i really want back. most of it i have no copies for anywhere else. which is stupid, i know. sigh, i tend to learn things the hard way. i guess its no fun otherwise... lol. writing this, i have noticed how long its been since i have written in anything other than a chat window in my game. that is the saddest thing i believe i have written in years. eh. at least it gives me somthing to do until i can get into school again. I used to be soooo destermined to write as closely to perfect as i could in my various states of mind, but now its like i have forgotten everything i learned in school and tought myself. I need to start reading again too. I just cant find the book i was in the middle of. I was reading Game of Thrones, Memnoch the Devil, and Burnt Offerings. Three diff books from three different authors but i cant locate any of them. they are all still in boxes. I still dont have most of my furniture yet. which sucks cuz i cant put anything away without my bookshelves and whatnot. which does not help the stupid dog not eating my stuff. sigh. Oh well, like I said, you learn.
lately i have been so bored that not even my rpgmmo can ease my restlessness. nothing seems to be working to ease such heavy boredom.
Jarett is on his way home. should be here in about ten mins. Yay! that means a momentary break from my boredom!!!

It took me 45 mins to log in today. I forgot my deviantart password, then forgot the password for the email account the password was sent to, then couldnt figure out which email THAT password was being sent to. it was a mess. took sooooo long because my roomate has an app on his computer that steals the signal for the wifi. i am going to have him take it off or not get online. I pay for it too. besides his gf doesnt and she was sucking up all the signal too. shmrow.


oh, a piece of advice to everyone:
DO NOT BE ROOMATES WITH YOUR BEST FIREND!!!!
You may end up hating them....
trust me, i found out the hard way. i was like, "that wont happen to me..." well it did. and it sucked... hard core

well, i am off for now. hopefully i wont forget my password agian!
and hopefully someone remembers me...

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconjade-pandora:
Jade-Pandora Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2010
:iconbowplz:
Thank you so much, Amanda, for bestowing a fave on my poem,

Caught

:iconfavoriteplz:
Reply
:icondisturbedrenn:
disturbedrenn Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2010
I only call them as I feel them. :)
Thank you for writing in such ways as to catch my eye.
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
Jade-Pandora Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2010
*quietly puts your eye back* heh, I didn't think you noticed. :blush:
Reply
:icondisturbedrenn:
disturbedrenn Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2010
I love the way you write. It is unique and very imaginative.
I love to notice new artists. They deserve some praise, it helps them write more, I believe.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconamazingrandomgirl96:
AmazingRandomGirl96 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
Thanks so much for the fave. :heart:
Reply
:icondisturbedrenn:
disturbedrenn Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
No prob... I really liked it. I know that the feeling is not so uncommon and it is nice to know that you are not alone in feeling this way.
Reply
:iconamazingrandomgirl96:
AmazingRandomGirl96 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
Yes, it's kind of like a feeling of comfort, knowing you're not the only one.
Reply
:icondisturbedrenn:
disturbedrenn Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
Yeah.
If you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. I am a good listener. Even though you just met me and all...
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icontranquilsuicide:
TranquilSuicide Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2010
Thank you very much for adding my piece to your collection!
Reply
:icondisturbedrenn:
disturbedrenn Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2010
Not a problem. I love your Vash by the way.
Reply
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